Always on my Mind

August 20, 2011.

This would have been our due date.

December 20, 2010.

This is the day we lost our first baby.

I have not talked with many people about my miscarriage. For a while, I wanted to pretend like it had never happened. The pain was far too great, and I felt like a failure. I almost felt like I was being punished for something.

When Andrew and I found out we were expecting, we were thrilled. We were a little nervous because Andrew was moving in a  few weeks, but we were so excited to expand our family. After his graduation, we told our families. Yes, I realize that five and a half weeks is a little early, but we couldn't keep the good news to ourselves.

At a little over 6 weeks, I woke up, and I knew something was seriously wrong. I turned to Andrew in bed and said, "We've lost the baby." He didn't ask me how I knew, he simply took me in his arms as I cried. This is when we realized the difference between dads-to-be versus moms-to-be. My heart was broken, and I felt like a piece of me would be missing forever. He, too, was devastated, but he had not formed the instant bond that a mother does with her child. We both grieved in our own ways because of this. Mine was an outward and inward grief, and he kept more to himself... and went into protection mode.

We went to the doctor to confirm the lost. "Spontaneous abortion" is what they called it. That made me sick. We were, however, blessed with an amazing doctor even though it was "just" an urgent care facility. She, too, had lost her first child, so she ran every test possible at that time to rule out rH blood factor as well as other anatomical deficits. At the end, it was decided that the miscarriage happened just because our baby was not strong enough to make it. Going through all of this made us feel like we had done everything we could for our child, and in some strange way, that made us feel better.

The coming months were so hard on us. Andrew was in New York, and I was in Missouri. Only one friend at college knew of my miscarriage, and I was far away from my husband and family. I grieved in so many ways. Andrew found it hard to see families at the local mall. In our hearts, we missed our child so much.

In April, I went to a lady's luncheon at my home church. A local mother, Chara, spoke at this event about her son that she lost too soon. Daniel was far too young by the world's standards when he was taken home in a devastating accident. Her outlook on this situation really put my situation into perspective. She said something that stuck in my mind and forever changed my heart. Through tears, she admitted that Daniel was never hers to begin with... he always belonged to God. God had blessed her with his life, but he never belonged to her. Her wisdom, grace, and strength is life changing. She holds so much trust and hope in Christ, and her faith radiates throughout the lives she touches. In letting God speak through her, she changed my outlook completely.

Woah.

This made me realize that our baby had never belonged to us. God has given us the blessing of conception, but ultimately, this small life belonged to Him. We all belong to Him. How selfish I had been to believe otherwise. On that day, I chose to turn all of my pain, anger, and sadness over to the One who holds everything.

On that day, I found peace.

A mere three weeks later, we conceived our baby. Every kick we feel, every time we hear that precious heartbeat, and with each growing week, we are so thankful for the life that is developing inside of me. We have not forgotten the baby we lost, but we know that we would not have this little blessing otherwise. I still don't understand why God's plan is the way it is. We can only speculate...

Maybe that little life wasn't strong enough to make it on the outside world.

Maybe God wanted us to be together for this entire journey.

Maybe this new life is going to do many great and wonderful things.

Who knows.

What I DO know is this was absolutely God's will for our lives. I trust him wholeheartedly with my heart. I also know that we do not take one moment of this pregnancy for granted. Our hearts are filled with love, happiness, and gratitude.

So, today, I remember that sweet life that we lost before we had a chance to know. But, I also stand in awe at the awesome will of our Father.